Step 1. Get water ready.
Step 2. Change and throw away poopy diaper.
Step 3. Return from depositing poopy diaper in diaper pail five feet away only to discover baby has pooped again ALREADY!
Step 4. Repeat steps 2-4, as needed.
Step 5. Remove baby’s clothing and carry to bathroom.
Step 6. Remove diaper, praying there’s no more poop in it. (If not, continue to step 7. If so, repeat steps 2–4, as needed.)
Step 7. Gently slide baby into bath water and begin bathing.
Step 8. Try not to show irritation as second youngest child enters room to “help.”
Step 9. Listen to girl child prattle on about strange boy parts and ask how he pees.
Step 10. Calmly explain that he pees like a fountain, for lack of a better explanation.
Step 11. Jump and yell as boy demonstrates what you’re explaining, as you’re explaining it!
Step 12. Drain water.
Step 13. Repeat step 1 and subsequent steps, as needed.
Step 14. Quickly and hastily wash that baby!
Step 15. Wrap baby in towel and carry back to bedroom.
Step 16. See second oldest daughter enter room out of the corner of your eye while you’re trying to put on the fifth diaper of the last 5 minutes.
Step 17. Listen to youngest daughter explain to Big Sister how Baby Brother peed in the tub like a fountain.
Step 18. Jump and yell as, at the same time, baby demonstrates, yet freaking again, how he pees like a fountain, as if that word magically makes it happen.
Step 19. Catch what you can in diaper number 6, all the while knowing you’re just too darn late to avoid the damage being done.
Step 20. Consider repeating steps 1, etc. but instead say, “Screw it,” grab a handful of wipes and give your naked baby a wet wipe bath (including the face, oh yes, the face) while thinking you maybe should’ve just done it this way to begin with.
Step 21. Successfully apply (thank God!) the 7th diaper of the past five-minutes.
Step 22. Pull up edges of changing pad cover to be sure you don’t forget to wash it too.
Step 23. Ooh and ahh at how cute baby looks with the changing pad cover curled up around his face.
Step 24. Smile as youngest daughter runs to retrieve camera to take picture of cute baby brother.
Step 25. Think to self, “This would make a decent blog post.”