Eat with your fingers!

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Note: This marks the third installment of Things I Never Expected to Say to My Kids.*

Dearest darling Joseph decided one day that eating with his fingers, a childlike, yet acceptable thing to do given his age, was too grown-up for him.

So he dived in to his pasta directly with his face. Read the rest of this entry

Rejected reviews… and pictures!

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Three people have told me their Amazon review of my book, Be a Happier Parent or Laugh Trying was rejected by the inscrutable Amazon police. Since they went to the trouble, I hate for their thoughtful words to be lost in the ethos of the internet. The hilarious, thought-provoking Tref of Trefology, and non-blogger, Theresa, were kind enough to share their efforts with me.

Here’s what Tref wrote:

I am a long time reader of Betsy’s blog, Parenting Is Funny. I am not a parent, or a pediatrician, a Franciscan, or a retired early-childhood mental health counselor. I do have a turtle. And it’s a very naughty turtle, but, really, I am just a guy who likes funny things. And Betsy Kerekes is very, very funny. She is also very wise. In classical philosophy she would be called a sage. But fortunately for us, classical philosophy does not enter into it. Nobody ever put down a copy of Schopenhauer’s Parerga and Paralipomena and said, “That is hilarious!” But with this book, you will do just that.

Golly, thanks, Tref!

And Theresa said:

Mrs. Kerekes writes a book about parenting that is very helpful with good advice and very entertaining, making me laugh— which is something highly needed at this time in my life as I have 2 teenagers and one young adult in college. My previous life was as a registered nurse in a neonatal and pediatric ICU with many challenging children to take care of, but I must say, parenting trumps that job and is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. Taking the attitude and humor that Mrs. Kerekes recommends is what gets me through this parenting job….. All I can say is thank you, Betsy, for making me a happier parent!!

Garsh, Theresa. That was swell of you.

And now for the non-related pictures, because I did promise pictures. Read the rest of this entry

They were being inconsiderate, really.

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audience

Audience photo by Vlah Dumitru on Unsplash.

At the end of a school play (Pre-covid, obviously), when the audience was applauding, Joe kept saying something I couldn’t hear. Finally, when the crowd’s enthusiasm died down, he said, “They weren’t listening to me. They kept clapping.”

The nerve of some people.

He just watched me scrubbing a toilet, cleaning the shower, etc. and said, Read the rest of this entry

When you spot a bug in the house, get a chicken.

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At least, that’s what my daughter did.

An earwig was in the doorway between the in and outdoors. Most people would’ve grabbed a shoe and flicked the bugger outside.

But, nope. She retrieved a chicken to eat it instead.

 

Lucy2

We like giving our hens protein, after all.

“Take turns fighting with your brother.”

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Yet another thing I didn’t expect I’d find myself saying to my kids. (Along with “Is anyone missing their snake head.”)

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While school was still in session, my daughters were having a hard time getting work done because their brother kept wanting to pool noodle light saber fight them. They tried to decline his invitation due to prior responsibilities, but he was having none of that schooling nonsense. Read the rest of this entry

The first step is admitting you have a problem.

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Many people are going to be annoyed that this post isn’t about what they think it will be about. Those of you who have been with me a long time already know what it’s going to be about.

Yep, Chex Mix.

The 99c sale was happening, so I hurried on my way, having discovered that my local grocer once again is stocking The Good Stuff: not just any Chex Mix, but Cheddar a.k.a. Heaven in a Bag.

The first day of the sale, I got there too late. Only two Traditional and one Bold were left on the shelf. So I went back two days later and scored this:

basket

Seven bags of Cheddar Chex Mix in all its Golden Glory.

When I got home, I announced, “I return triumphant!” My oldest daughter’s eyes lit up like she’d just witnessed the most amazing magic trick ever.

Youngest Daughter asked, “Did you see that one guy you know there and tell him they needed to refill the shelf?” Read the rest of this entry

I didn’t spill o.j. in Japan.

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“Oops!” my nine-year-old said as she opened the orange juice.

“Did you spill it everywhere?” I asked.

“Not everywhere,” she said. “I didn’t spill it in Japan.”

Can’t argue with that logic.

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. (I’m just going to pretend you’ve noticed and have been concerned.) Now I seriously want that delicious looking glass of o.j. With a little something extra in it. Triple sec? Amaretto?

What’s your drink of choice?

“Is anyone missing their snake head?”

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That’s No. 1 on the list of Things I Never Thought I’d Say to My Kids.

But that’s what happens when you return to your writing desk and find this:

 

It’s one of those jointed plastic snakes that wriggle and turn. The kind of cheap prize you get at kid’s carnival games (which is where I’m pretty sure this came from).

At any rate, one of my daughters called from the other room to announce that she’d found Read the rest of this entry

Let’s just try this again, shall we?

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Here’s what happened:

Our Aristocats book was lightly scribbled in by one of my daughters years ago, like so:

Aristocats cover

When Joe asked about it, I told him his sister had done it. The next day, I discovered more scribbles, like so:

Aristocats 1

“Joe, did you scribble in this book?” Parenting note: I already knew the answer to this question, so I shouldn’t have worded it in such a way that would encourage him to lie. Nevertheless, it was the first shocked response to come out of me.

He responded: “No.”

“Oh really?” I said. “Then who did?”

“My sister.”

“Your sister is old enough now to know better. I know you did this, Joe. Would you please say, ‘I’m sorry I colored in the book'”? Read the rest of this entry