Note: This marks the third installment of Things I Never Expected to Say to My Kids.*
Dearest darling Joseph decided one day that eating with his fingers, a childlike, yet acceptable thing to do given his age, was too grown-up for him.
So he dived in to his pasta directly with his face. Read the rest of this entry
At least, that’s what my daughter did.
An earwig was in the doorway between the in and outdoors. Most people would’ve grabbed a shoe and flicked the bugger outside.
But, nope. She retrieved a chicken to eat it instead.
We like giving our hens protein, after all.
My younger two girls decided to dress as tourists, complete with hats, purses, and a camera. Interesting, I thought.
Then one gave me a bright smile and said, “We’re robbing a museum! We’ve got our ninja clothes on underneath.” She lifted her pant leg to show me her black pants. “We packed gloves to cover our fingerprints, and I’ve got ninja stars in my purse.”
The younger daughter pulled out a toy phone. “And I’ve got this to communicate with!”
They set toys up around the room to pretend to steal. Read the rest of this entry
Last week I wrote about my failed attempt to get serious writing done at home. The following week, I decided to venture back to the library.
Instead of sitting in the back corner in the section marked “Silent Zone,” I found a more central area, not directly under the AC, that was, at least initially, quiet.
Then someone I couldn’t see carried on a phone conversation at full volume. Minutes later, a librarian, of all people, explained to a patron the organizational system of the book stacks at even greater volume. And finally, an older gentleman asked if the seat next to me was taken. When I said no, he responded, “Now it is,” and plunked down with a waft of week-old body odor, dropped his pile of newspapers next to him, then crinkled through them one by one, all the while taking rattling breaths that twice made me check to be sure he hadn’t actually fallen asleep and was snoring. Read the rest of this entry
Little Joe was so sweetly and lovingly holding a baby doll, hugging and kissing it, I thought, “Awh, he’ll make a good dad some day, or perhaps big brother.”
Then he banged the doll’s head on the ground and yelled, “Ow!” Not once or twice, but three times.
Nice, baby. Niiiice. A few seconds before “Wham! Wham!”
Some time after the kids had been playing outside my bedroom window, I walked into my room, looked out the window, and saw something that made me freeze, back up slowly, and call down the hallway, “Girls? Could you come here a moment?”
Then, pointing, “What. Is that?” Read the rest of this entry
Twice actually. A few weeks ago, the 99c sale was on, calling me like a siren song. I hoped I’d see the CM guy so I could continue our funny banter. I was nearly disappointed until I saw him at the last check stand on my way out. (Click here and here for the first two encounters with the Chex Mix guy.)
“Hey, Chex Mix guy.” [I actually used his real name, but you know, privacy and all that.] When he looked up, I said, “Time to restock the Chex Mix again.”
Without missing a beat, he said, “Yeah, I knew it when I saw you come in.” [He probably didn’t see me come in.]
Today I was back. He walked by as I was checking out. Read the rest of this entry
For reasons unknown to me, family members enjoy offering Baby Joseph food and laughing at his complete disinterest in this strange multi-colored stuff we’re putting in our mouths.
My youngest daughter said to him in her high-pitched little voice, “You want chips and salsa, Joe? You want some beer?” (Please note that she was consuming neither.)
But the goofiness doesn’t end there. My oldest spilled dry Rice Krispies on the floor. Did she sweep them up right away? No. She brought out Read the rest of this entry
My daughter’s science assignment is to come up with analogies for the parts of a cell. My husband is helping her with ideas like a factory and an assembly line. I’m in the kitchen yelling my own suggestions: “gun runners, the Nazi regime, Read the rest of this entry
My neighbor recently told me the story of when her husband was a boy, he saw his dad waxing his Porsche. Ever the helpful one, he decided to pitch in, only he didn’t grab a soft pad to wax with, he grabbed Read the rest of this entry