Stay or leave, I want you not to go, but you should [maybe]–Dave Matthews

Jacqui at Word Dreams suggested I write a memoir about my martial arts experience. I’m intrigued by the idea. I do enjoy writing books and recently learned there’s a Polish version of my parenting book. (There’s also a Polish translation of my first book. Good ol’ Poles!)

The problem is, it’s hard to start a book when you don’t know the ending. Will it be book-worthy? Betsy takes on the world and succeeds against all odds–Yes. Betsy does martial arts for a few years then quits because her body can’t take it any more?–Not so much.

But I worry that could be my fate.

Here’s the thing: my lower extremities hate me. Still. I wear my ankle brace constantly, and I’ve been back to sitting on the shower floor for months. The first time I decided to sit because my feet can’t take the pressure, I sort of smiled inwardly, in a sad ironic way, and thought, “Hello, shower floor, my old friend,” because I tend to think in modified song lyrics.

I’ve bought multiple shoe inserts, metatarsalgia (ball of foot pain) pads, and expensive Hoka shoes. They’re not doing much for me.

Picture interlude to lighten the mood! That Polish version I mentioned:

I wish I knew what this title is. Doesn’t look like “Be a Happier Parent or Laugh Trying.”

The foot pain started in the last few months of Taekwondo, so October or November. I remember practicing at home and thinking, “Huh, my feet hurt.” But it went away. Then it came back the next time I practiced, and left, until it came back and stayed. Years of pounding across a hardwood floor, running, kicking, jumping in bare feet has taken its toll.

The first few months of my Jiu-Jitsu return were okay for the ankle until they weren’t. When I take the brace off and lie in bed at night, I feel like someone has flipped open a Zippo lighter and is passing the flame all around my ankle, the heat seeping into the bone where it remains, smoldering for all of time.

More Polish book interlude!

I discovered this when I was tagged on Twitter/X. That’s the Polish version of 101 Tips for a Happier Marriage being discussed on a TV talk show in Warsaw or wherever. This absolutely floored me. More so than my feet. Heh heh.

A friend who did martial arts from age 40-50 and is now 62 said to me, “You’re going to feel those injuries when you get older.”

I reached out to my beloved Chatter Master, the fourth degree Taekwondo black belt who retired after back surgeries, and asked if this was her experience as well. Her response began: “This is difficult to answer. Because the truth of it is possibly going to disappoint you.”

You can guess the rest. It began with the word: Yes.

Is Present Betsy utterly screwing over Future Betsy? Is Future Betsy going to look back on Present Betsy and want to kick her arse for her selfishness but can’t because she’s just shy of being wheelchair-bound?

Chatter Master’s advice was to ease the emotional pain of leaving martial arts by replacing that love with another. The only activity that comes close to my affection for MA is writing books. And so I have this brain loop: Must succeed in MA to write the book. Can’t quit MA unless I have a good ending. Must push through the pain until I get that happy ending. Will I hate myself in the future, book or no book, if I don’t stop soon?

I as yet have no answers.

I stayed after class last night to help clean the mats and in doing so, had another opportunity to talk and laugh with Surfer Dude. I’ve made many friends there who will be hard to leave, but I am to Dorothy as Surfer Dude is to Scarecrow, in that I’ll miss him most of all.

Triangle choking Surfer Dude. Because that’s what friends do.

I once asked Mrs. Instructor if it’s hard on Instructor when students he’s trained for years leave. Her answer, in a nutshell, was yes. I then mused aloud if it was hard for him when I left the first time. She responded: “I think he always knew you were coming back.”

I liked that answer. But the next time I leave, I won’t be coming back.

Unless it’s to deliver free copies of my new book.

Anyone have any pearls of wisdom to share on this? I’d appreciate your input. Also, if I left Jiu-Jitsu, what would I blog about?!?! 😛