“So this is how I die.”

Standard
“So this is how I die.”

Forest green plastic covered the small room’s floor and halfway up the walls. I lay on my back. On me sat a small man wearing a full body mauve rash guard.

“Isn’t this precisely the sort of situation I’m trying to avoid?” I thought to myself.

The door opened behind me. “Oh, good, I’m saved!” I thought, only to see a rotund middle-aged man enter, paying me no attention as he walked on by.

“My situation has not improved,” I thought. Nor was it likely to get any better when a third man entered, built the same as the first, who also ignored me.

Soon the two of them were on the floor nearby, grappling with one another, as the man on top of me gave me instructions on how to remove him.

Thus began my first Jiu Jitsu lesson.

When I made the appointment, I was told I’d be given a loaner gi. Instead, I wore my own. When I arrived, the instructor asked why I already have a gi. I explained that I take Taekwondo, so he, of course, asked why I also wanted to take Jiu Jitsu.

The correct answer was: “Because I’m a weak defenseless female who needs to protect herself from strong, powerful men,” but I thought, “Nah.” Instead I said, “To be a bad a$s, basically.”

Without flinching, he nodded and said, “Cool. Let’s get started.”

Next came the weirdest few minutes of my life. After instructing me to get on my back, he said, “Is it okay for me to get on you?” At least he asked, and since Jiu Jitsu is basically high-octane wrestling, this is what I signed up for.

My instructor showed me the basic moves for throwing someone off. “Now you try,” he said.

“I don’t want to do it right now when you’re expecting it,” I said. “I want to try to take you unaware.”

“Well, your attacker isn’t going to–“

Flumph!

I flipped him off mid-sentence.

He chuckled. “Nice job.”

Soon a fourth student arrived to complete the class. That meant 100-pound me, two larger gentlemen, and now someone who could best be described as “Surfer Dude”: a tall, skinny, twenty-something complete with long, straggly blonde hair. Thankfully, the instructor paired me with this guy.

I learned some neat new take-down and pinning skills, though I admit I was a little slow on the uptake. Being able to throw Surfer Dude down was exhilarating. When class was over, he fist-bumped me and said, “Good job.” One of the larger men also fist-bumped me on his way out.

I intend to win over all these fellows, to the point where we’re going out for drinks later. They shall make me their queen! Mwahaha! And if not, I’ll take ’em down. πŸ˜‰

And because every post needs a pic or two, one thing I did in preparation for this class was change out my earrings. No earrings would be preferable, but, given their placement, complete removal wasn’t an option. Thus, instead of my usual pokey-backed diamond studs, I’m now sporting less painful when pressed against the side of my head (though still a bit painful as I soon found out), gold hoops.

Before: diamond studs with sharp, pokey backs (believe me).
After: gold hoops with slightly less pokey backs.

So, what do you think? Am I an idiot? Probably. But it all worked out okay. Or, if you would prefer to sidestep that issue, which earrings do you like better? πŸ™‚

110 responses »

  1. Hilarious as always, Betsy! And I love how you used your remarkable verbal skills to your advantage! You are a bad ass. I’m inspired! Not enough to sign up for jiujitsu but at least to dislodge my 2-yr-old next time he sits on me! πŸ˜€

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I thought you were describing a terrifying dream! You are definitely badass! I prefer the diamond studs because they seem less likely to be accidentally caught on your hair because I have a phobia about ear tears. Then again, I don’t have pierced ears because of my needle phobia. I’m a lot of fun at the doctor’s office!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. 1. I am jealous.
    2. We have even more in common (I am a 4th degree Blackbelt in TaeKwon Do.
    3. I would have loved Jiu Jitsu but it wasn’t anywhere near us to take.
    4. I, also, endeavored to be a bad ass. Hence my coining and laying claim/copyright to the phrase “bad-assery”.
    5. I am still jealous (no longer participating in martial arts).
    6. I am super impressed.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Betsy, hoops or studs, being able to fend off unwanted advances or attacks is a good thing to know. If you ever had to use and flipped over an unwanted suitor, he would be in for a shock. Of course, being able to just run is still the best course. Keep at it. Keith

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The more I find out about you, the more I like you. Woot! My daughter became an adult black belt in Shaolin Kempo Karate at the age of 13 because mom wanted her safe on dates. It worked! And she is now a bad a** like you are going to be!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. When I first started reading I thought you were describing a dream. HA! Perhaps this post should have a “R” rating with the talk of men on top of you. HA! I’ll just talk about the earrings. I like the diamond studs best. With your martial skills, if we ever met, I would be very polite to you. I would probably even like you beat me in Scrabble.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I came over from Anita and Jaye’s place and had to leave a comment. It’s not my place to judge idiocy, especially when the subject can throw me across the room. This was too funny for words, so I’ll even pass on a comment on the earrings and be out of here. I enjoyed this, Betsy and thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. “At least he asked” πŸ˜‚πŸ€£ can’t argue that. Lol

    I’ve always wanted to take self-defense classes and have been meaning to look up karate for my daughter! Looks fun and quite empowering!!!

    This will shock you but I’m not much of a diamond girl lol but I do like the diamonds (although I fancy the hoops as well)! 😜 I can’t choose!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Wow! At first, I wasn’t sure where the post was going, but I have to admit I shot a fist in the air when you threw the guy off when he wasn’t looking! and fist-bumping the other guys in the class–you go, girl! Love the suggestion of the Queen of Badassery! Except you should have more than one cat on your lap in the painting. Just sayin’ …

    Heh, Owen Wilson. Good one!

    So, if we ever get caught in the bad part of town because we were talking about kittys and not paying attention, I’ll just get behind you when the thugs show up, m’kay?

    Liked by 1 person

    • This is now my favorite comment because you got so into it that you shot a fist in the air. Thank you for sharing my enthusiasm and fun, Julie! More than one cat on my lap! Face palm! What was I thinking? ONE cat?? Pah! You are so right, Julie.

      Do you get the Owen Wilson line from Shanghai Knights? We love that movie. We should rewatch those.

      You may get behind me and run away first. I’ll likely be right behind you! A few classes only gets me so much confidence. Oh, but let me tell ya. I dream about beating up thugs. For reals! πŸ˜›

      Liked by 1 person

  10. My goodness, Betsy! You had me on tenterhooks the minute I read your title! You tease, you!

    But the story that unfolded was even more amazing – you are a Wild Woman!!!! Better you than I, is all I can say! What you first said to the instructor was so funny, I had to take pause to roll around on the floor before I returned to finish your post!

    I love your indomitable spirit! Queen you will be soon enough!

    I like both your earring combinations. But I am rather partial to hoops.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I was being a tease, but I did still honestly have that thought cross my mind, as I was alone in a padded room with this man on top of me! And when the other men arrived, I was not reassured! But it’s all good. The instructor is very nice. And I’m glad the story entertained you. πŸ™‚

      Funny that you said “indomitable spirit.” Very much not a phrase I hear in standard conversation, but it’s one of the “tenets of Taekwondo” that we recite at the start and finish of every class–so, honored!! πŸ™‚

      I have an update regarding those hoops… Stay tuned! πŸ™‚

      Like

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