Big ol’ slippery mat? Of course I’m going to slide on it.

Before I get to the main event, let’s pretend that last post didn’t happen, shall we? For the time being, I’m going to keep on keeping on. But, to be certain about my next plan of attack being legit, I needed to ask Hubby, “Do you think I can pull off this book thing?” He said, “Yeah, of course.”

So that’s that. I already have the title for chapter 1: “It was Covid, and I have a lemon tree.” How did those two facts lead me to martial arts? You’ll just have to wait and see. I’m taking pre-orders now. Kidding. 😉

Now on with the post!

The first time Instructor asked if people could help clean the mats after class, I jumped at it. Why not? The fancy vacuums, however, are not intuitive. Instructor had to say to me, “These are kind of tricky” three times as he repeatedly showed me how to put them together, turn them on, take them back apart, empty them…

When trying to put the “tank” back on the pole part, Surfer Dude said, “You make the labels match up.” He pointed at the labels. I stared at them. “It goes label to label,” he said again. Finally this computed in my brain, and I successfully put the pieces together, both literally and figuratively.

Visual interlude: This pic of SD was posted on Instagram. I commented, “That’s how I like to stand against the wall too. Feet are for chumps.”

Now that I’ve helped vacuum a few times and have learned the ropes of these bad boys, I feel like a dork for how hard it was at first. But another guy, on maybe my third time with the vacuums, said, “How did you figure that out?” when I pushed one button and pulled another lever to release the tank, “It took me about 17 tries,” I told him.

So it’s not just me!

After vacuuming comes spraying the mat with a tank of cleaning solution and a long spray nozzle. SD offered me this task. So fun!

“Do you ever spray each other?” I asked him.

“We try not to,” he said with a smile.

Tempted.

But I didn’t.

After the spraying is complete, there’s a big ol’ wet, shiny green mat as far as the eye can see. Until the wall.

I practically salivated. I had to surf this puppy.

Instructor did it first, expertly, of course. “Be careful,” he told me.

I slid maaaaaybe two feet before falling on my rear. “Still worth it,” I said.

Andre the Giant was making a rare appearance that night. He suggested I slide belly down in my gi.

Why not?

I wound up essentially belly flopping. “That was so unsatisfying,” I said. “Why don’t you try it?” I suggested to Andre. He was neck to ankle in polyester/nylon rash guard. He would probably slide well.

“Nah, I just wanted to see you do it.”

Pish.

As I was heading to the door, he said, “When are you joining us in Master Cycle?” I’ve been asked this by my blue belt friends from the days of old several times now.

“I don’t know,” I said. “It will be a while. Just keep the mat warm for me.”

“Alright,” he said, and I was out the door.

Visual Interlude 2: So fun to see myself as the poster child for Jiu-Jitsu.

I waited eagerly for the next mat cleaning opportunity a few nights later.

The vacuuming done, I sat on the bench, tapping my feet uncontrollably, impatiently waiting for SD to fill the sprayer tank. Only Instructor, Mrs. Instructor, and SD remained.

Instructor, meticulously folding gis with the precision of a practiced surgeon, looked at me sitting there but said nothing. Mrs. Instructor poked her head out of the bathroom she was mopping and smiled at me for several beats. I merely smiled back before realizing I should explain my weird presence. (I’m always weird, but this was above and beyond.)

“Mrs. Instructor,” I called. She poked her head back out. “Do you know why I’m lingering?” She shook her head. “Because I need to mat surf again, and I need it on film this time.”

“Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you about that,” Instructor said to her.

“I figured you didn’t tell her because you were embarrassed for me,” I said. “I’m not easily embarrassed, but that belly flop wasn’t great.”

“It wasn’t that bad, actually,” he said. “I had thought, ‘Oooh. Should I tell her it doesn’t work in a gi?’ But you just went for it.”

“I have no regrets,” I said.

“It would’ve been worse if you had slid into the wall or something,” he added.

“That would’ve been hilarious,” I said. “Don’t tempt me. I have no shame.”

By this time, the mat was glistening. Mrs. Instructor trotted over to take my phone for filming.

“I fully expect to fall again, but I’m okay with that.”

I slid and didn’t fall, but also didn’t slide very far. Meh.

“The best is when you go diagonal across the mat,” SD said and called me over to the corner he was standing in.

Much better distance. Wobbled but didn’t fall.

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Very satisfying. I didn’t look at any of them as they witnessed my antics and I kept them from finishing their cleaning and going home, (eh-heh-heh) but Instructor was smiling broadly in the background of the video. That’s him saying, “There you go.”

What would I do without these people in my life?

Trivia!

The last question was: She played Princess Mia Thermopolis of Genovia and shares a name with Shakespeare’s wife.

The answer was Anne Hathaway.

New question: Which of the eye’s photoreceptor cells is responsible for processing color in relatively bright light?