The ants go marching 50 by 50. Hurrah! Hurrah!


We were gone for a week. In our absence, half the ants in California moved in. With complete disregard for squatters’ rights, we annihilated (ant-ihilated?) them.

There were concentrations in the usual places with a few scouts checking out the living arrangements in other rooms. When I changed Joe’s diaper, one climbed in. I removed it, not knowing for whom the situation was worse: Joe for having a literal ant in his pants, or the ant itself, considering Joe had soiled four diapers that day and appeared to be on a roll.

The most curious and concerning area of discovery was our freezer. The integrity of our door closing system is clearly suspect. The ants didn’t get far, however. I discovered them splayed across a package of frozen chicken near their apparent entrance. The silly creatures ventured forth across a frozen fowl tundra with nary a jacket.

Though they didn’t get far, I understand setting off with the promise of glory and ice cream in their tiny insect hearts. I imagine their leader calling a halt once the inevitable failure of their quest became undeniable.

“Men, our quarry is near, though our end is nearer. Let it not be said we went down without a fight. Though this mission has failed, we shall not leave this world in ignominy.Β  You know what we stand for!”

Ant chorus: “Hoo-rah!”

“Form up!”

[Imperceptible clatter as the ants straighten their line.]

And that’s all that was heard again from Captain Bagel Crumb and Troop 542 before I picked up the Ziplock and unceremoniously swept them into the trash bag under the sink.

Feeling slightly sorry for them, I wrote this on the bag, lest their bravery go unrecorded and unremembered, at least until they enter the Great Trash Bin in the Driveway.


I afterward realized “here in” is one word but didn’t respect the ants enough to redo it.

Anyone else dealing with home invasions from ants, aliens, relatives who won’t leave, or otherwise?

53 responses »

  1. That was nice of you to give them a memorial. Their families will likely be back to visit it every year. Perhaps there will even be a complete ant holiday declared with bands, marches and fireworks.

    and our current invasion is the teen grandsons. Similar but not quite the same.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You have curious ants, I’ll say that for you. I dislike them, no matter how much you try to tell me they are industrious and that’s a good thing. One got in the baby’s diaper? Oy vey. That alone is reason enough to not correct your typo. They don’t deserve anything more than what you gave them.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Your troops sister company finds my home every summer. They have yet to invade this year so must be making a slow move of it in this heat.

    On an emotional note….I think you went above and beyond in the marking of this stupid but brave troops passing.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. ROTFLMAO! This. Is. Hilarious! How did the ants manage to ignore the cold? You’d think they’d be discouraged by the freezing temperature.

    Had/have/probably will continue to have ant invaders. I just squarsh those little pests when I see them. And make sure they haven’t found the motherlode, like the partially-eaten chocolate-covered peanut butter candy (Russell’s,even) someone left in its not-so-airtight container in the cupboard. I took that thing outside, ants and all, and left it on the table we have on the deck (I was on my way to work, so …) Then I come home to find it in the freezer. 😐 My husband said there weren’t any ants on it when he looked, so he figured he’d hedge his bets. I have no idea why he kept it. (I think that Depression era thinking (don’t throw it away if someone can use/eat it) is hereditary in his famiily.) Needless to say, my daughter pitched it out into the grove when he wasn’t looking. (because in the garbage the ants–or hubs–would have found it again)

    Hey, you can tell people we really did meet in real life, even though we forgot to take a picture πŸ™‚ (but I’ll deny ever hearing about the Perham tattoo. πŸ˜€ )

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, that’s a tough call about the chocolate. I mean… chocolate! πŸ™‚

      I’ll have to write more about the trip in a future post. When Paul returned the van, the rental person said, “I see you have artists in your family.” Heehee. And have you figured out which of my blog followers/likers is my husband? πŸ™‚

      I’m glad you got such a big kick out of this post! I enjoyed it too. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  5. We had ants for a couple days, but ant traps and a visit by the exterminator took care of them quickly. Sorry you had to come home to that. No fun at all. But it IS fun for us to read about, thanks to your wonderful wit. 😁


  6. I’ve been dealing with the ants again this year…California heat and my lovely sand soil is bringing them into my kitchen .. I have a trap on the counter that they’ve been loving. I’m totally over them and would love for them leave for good…. But I’m thankful that they haven’t went any further than the bait.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Florida rains seem to bring out more of them. I recently had tiny ones march along my RV and some entered trying to recon the area. I put a sticky trap out for them and caught a few. I’m glad they aren’t fire ants.


  8. We haven’t dealt with our ants 🐜 yet because we are still vacationing. To deal with relatives who wouldn’t go away, we frequently become the relatives who wouldn’t leave. πŸ˜€


  9. I believe I’ve told you how much I DESPISE ANTS. They have long been my arch-nemeses. But I have never heard of them getting into a freezer before – that’s downright awful!

    We had some in the kitchen a few weeks ago after moving in, but I set out ant traps and haven’t seen a single one in about 10 days now. Love how great the traps work!


    • Good to know about the traps. Someone also told me Windex works–I guess if you have that on hand but no traps. The good thing about them in the freezer is they were killed by their own stupidity. I didn’t have to do it for them. But still, makes me concerned about my freezer’s closing system.


  10. Hilarious. I too create whole stories in my head for when the ants appear, which they inevitably do every year, although most of mine take on a whole angel of death vibe.

    I do feel sorry for the ant in Joe’s pants. I feel that was a mercy kill.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Everything sounds pretty good there except the leave for the day part. We’d only just gotten home after being gone for a week. I was so glad to be there! (And to have a husband who did most of the antihilation while I gave the baby a bath.)


  11. The freezer, wow, I would never imagine. We had some when rhe season warmed up but then they remained outside. I sprinkled cinnamon by the door the ouside part and use peppermint oil in a humidifier. They don’t like either. I think now that your home, they won’t be so vigilant about entering your home as long as the are deterred. Hope your ant-free soon!


    • Thanks, folia. I didn’t realize peppermint worked for ants as well as spiders. We still have a few scattered scouts, but nowhere near the initial invasion. Hope you’re enjoying the summer. I look forward to your pictures of the fall, however. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚


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