The news that’s fit to print

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Leaving—on a jet plane. DO know when I’ll be back again. The very next day!

I’ve begun planning for my whirlwind trip by picking out, washing, drying, and hanging up the five wardrobe changes for my television debut. Hanging the clothes up is a fool’s errand since they’ll be shoved, er, placed nicely, in a suitcase soon enough, but I can at least give them a fighting chance, right?

My schedule is to leave Sunday morning, spend all day on planes and in airports after getting the customary pregnant-woman-who-refuses-to-use-the-body-scanner pat-down (Happy Mother’s Day to me!), arrive at night, film the next day from 9a.m.-4:30p.m., fly away that evening, doing the whole pat-down, airports, flights thing in reverse, and arriving home around midnight local time.

If this is what’s considered “living the life” of a writer, it might be overrated. And did I mention the flights I’ve been booked are on United? Heaven help me.

So I’m planning six outfits for being on-site less than 24 hours. The sixth outfit being my travel clothes, which I’ll essentially wear two days in a row.

Y’all, this is nuts!

Last night I lay in bed considering the pat-down situation. I didn’t think I’d have to deal with this again. I’d been invited to speak to a large youth group in Chicago, probably as a result of someoneΒ  seeing my How to Marry an Idiot article, but didn’t mind too much when that fell through. I mean, who wants to go through the humiliation of pat downs again?

Then this came up. Five television interviews? How could I refuse?

So in bed I was already imagining my strategy. Maybe if I say nothing but just go stand in front of the metal detector, at this point quite obviously pregnant, someone on the other side will see me and motion me through. Last time I ASKED permission to use the metal detector and was denied. Maybe I’ll have better luck if the TSA are female.

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“Just give me my papers, yo!” This could be me. I have that hair. Just give this woman a significant paunch… and maybe a face… and we’re there!

Imagining that not working, because it probably won’t, I pictured the pat-down lady making me face the masses like I had to in D.C. I went through my argument against this in my head. It didn’t go well. It ended in me titling my next blog post, “Screw you, TSA!”

The other fun fact is that a week or so ago I somehow pulled a muscle in what I’ll call my “lower back.” How or even when exactly this happened, I don’t know. I just eventually realized that it was painful to walk normally. Rather than getting better with time, in hopes I’d be healed by the trip this weekend, it’s only gotten worse. So now I am hobbling about looking like, well, a pregnant woman waddling. For the record, I have never had the pregnant lady waddle. And yet, for TELEVISION, I will be waddling.

Perfect.

[Pics from Pixabay.]

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33 responses »

  1. Wow, you’re becoming a media superstar. Hopefully they won’t want to show the waddle on camera. I’ve found the best defense with TSA is just look confused and ask, “Does this go in it’s own tray” while pointing at random objects.

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  2. The TV interviews will be a breeze after the hassle of the flight. As long as I don’t see you on the news like other United flyers have been filmed, all will be okay πŸ˜€ Congratulations on the interviews and best of luck! xxxx

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    • It’s true. I’m less nervous about the shown than I am the flights! Well, that and the horrible lack of sleep I’m sure to get and what it will do to my appearance. :/ Yes, please don’t let me be on the news because of a flight mishap!

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  3. Can’t wait to hear what this is about! Sounds exciting whatever it is. Minus the airport trips. πŸ™‚ Sorry to hear about your back though. Hope it gets better soon.

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    • It’s a show called “Women of Grace.” I’m assuming this means I qualify? I wish I could sleep on planes or well in odd places and situations. My D.C. trip proved that I can’t no matter how sleep deprived I am. 😦 There will be bags under my eyes, in part thanks to the three hour time difference that does not work in my favor. I asked if there was a make-up artist on staff. There is not. Now THAT would be an experience! Shoot. Something may have just made my bucket list: Have my make-up done by a professional on staff at wherever. That may be a tough one to achieve.

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  4. I’m sure it will all work out. It sounds like you are in the worry about everything phase.
    P.S. Congrats on your pregnancy. Did I miss a post where you mentioned this?

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    • Understood. And I’ll do my best to have a great story come out of this. Uh-oh. Having said that, I feel like something has to go wrong. Those incidences are always the most entertaining.

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      • Sometimes the ‘right’ things are JUST as funny. So lets go that route this time!!!! Maybe you will be given a pass, and taken to the VIP lounge because of your good cheer, pleasant interactions and obvious pregnancy that they want to accommodate and show the world a good picture of their company…..

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      • Now THAT would be something! When something great and/or funny in a good way happens, I will think of you! And likely immediately start formulating how I will write about it on here. πŸ™‚

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  5. Congrats! (I just returned from a trip using UNITED…let’s just say, I’m working on a piece….) ;>)

    Have a safe and event-less flight. : )

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  6. Sorry, had to pop over and read the article–LOL! Great one! Okay, I’m back. Another trip? Betsy the travel maven πŸ™‚ Looking forward to another TSA post–here’s hoping things go much more smoothly this time. And I don’t envy you the six outfits in 24 hrs–hell, I have a hard time coming up with six outfits for the week (including lounge at home clothes this time of year–is it warm? cool? how warm/cool?). But just think of the publicity! Five TV interviews! You’ll do great. And if you get *really* bored with the whole TSA thing, just loading a whole bunch of stuffed cats/kittens into your pockets. It’d be like one of those magicians with the magic handkerchiefs as you unload all the kitties onto the tray. Maybe they’ll get impatient and wave you through the metal detector. πŸ™‚ Hey, pregnant ladies get excuses πŸ˜€

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    • LOL! The pregnant cat lady–I’m not sure that’s ever been a thing before. Cat ladies are generally not known to be, well… uh, amorous? The image is hilarious. How many cats does this lady have?! Ah, thanks for the laugh. And for reading my article! Bonus points for that! And having grown up in Ohio, I know what you mean about the weather. It can be hot one day and snow the next. I remember planning my clothes for school to be such a pain. Here I can wear the same thing pretty much day after day because I hardly have to leave the house. (Uh-oh. Sounding like a cat lady for sure!) So these trips are definitely outside the ol’ comfort zone.

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  7. I’m assuming based on your careful word choice that what you are calling your “lower back” is, in actuality, lower than your lower back.

    In any case, good luck getting through TSA without any overly aggressive pat-downs!

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