Things you never thought you’d have to tell your children

“I am sorry to have distressed you so deeply, dear son, but no, you may not chew on the electrical cords.” Michelle, mother of 1

“Do NOT lick the abacus!” Stephanie, mother of four

A few I’ve told my own children: Don’t lick the tree! Don’t lick the snail! (It was the slimy side, too.) Don’t pick up dog poop!

“Don’t KISS the snail!” Kevin, father of 2  [Ed. note: I’m actually guilty of having done that as an adult!]

On the phone with my sister, I heard her say, “Philip, don’t pee on the floor!…Clare, don’t touch it!…I gotta go.” Click.

“It’s amazing the things you hear yourself say, isn’t it? Like an out of body experience. “Did I really say, ‘no we don’t take our underwear off at the dinner table’? REALLY?!”” Anne, mother of 3

“B, what are you doing?” B:”Getting a fork.” Me:”Why do you need a fork?” B:”To get my gum out” Me (now very nervous):”WHERE IS YOUR GUM?” B: “In my nose.” Anita, mother of 5