Category Archives: Uncategorized

Dad is Fat

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This is the title of a book I’m reading by comedian Jim Gaffigan. It’s pretty funny. I recommend it for all you parents out there. Lots to relate to. For me it’s him talking about how pale he and his children are. I totally get that. He even graced his book with a picture of himself in his swim shirt. I get that too.

My four-year-old has a full-body swimsuit. It’s actually called a rash guard–what surfers wear to avoid getting a rash from contact with their board. Why they make these in size 4 I’ll never understand. I can’t exactly picture my little girl hanging 10. But it was in the hand-me-down bag from another family, and since I’m cheap, I kept it. Plus, since two-thirds of my children are redheads, all the skin coverage they can get is for the better. In case you’ve never noticed, red hair=white skin. Look up pictures of your favorite red-headed actress and you’ll see what I mean.

The other third of my children may actually have been switched at birth. I seriously suspect this because she is capable of tanning. However, for myself (my mom is a redhead and I got her skin pigmentation but not the tell-tale excuse of the gorgeous red hair. Thanks for only passing on the lame genes, Mom!) and those two redheads of mine, the sun is our enemy. Sadly, I live in San Diego county, only a few miles from the coast; therefore, beach=fun fun happy fun time for children, and arch-nemesis for me. At least I’ve got my youngest  mostly covered.

Of course wearing a rash guard anywhere other than the lower half of the West Coast or Hawaii just looks weird. This past summer we were in Ohio at a lake. I suddenly, for the first time, felt very self-conscious about my daughter’s wardrobe. “What a cute swimsuit,” someone said. “Is she Amish?” Read the rest of this entry

I was never very good at math

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As the expression goes, when it rains it pours, which is ironic considering we’re in a severe drought and heat wave here in So Cal.

Anyhow, it’s like our house is falling apart. Last week there was an electrician and an AC guy here. Yesterday I had a linoleum guy come a-calling. Today was a banner day–a plumber and two more AC guys.

I commented to my husband that I had gentlemen callers in and out of here all day like I’m running a brothel. Then I pointed out that in a day or two the linoleum guy and the plumber would be back for a second round.

I tried to put on my best “seductive” pose, (I use that term very loosely–ah, pun!) but it backfired. Read the rest of this entry

I am my biggest fan

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My husband could attest to just how obnoxious I can be when I’m full of my own cleverness. I tell you, no one can laugh at my jokes the way I can. I had a real doozy last night that I woouuuuuld share, but it would probably offend some people.

Instead, let me relay to you the opening lines of a thank you card I just constructed in response to something that happened the last weekend of July. Read the rest of this entry

Another reason I love my husband

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(as if I need more reasons)

I wanted him to get the kids ready for bed because I was wrapping presents for our daughter’s birthday the next day. I said to him, “Could you please get the kids ready for bed? I’m taking care of some business…involving Tupac.”

“Gotcha.”

He automatically knew what I was talking about. (Tupac = Read the rest of this entry

So rude, and yet, so wonderful

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A friend overheard one guy saying to another, “Sorry, man, I was just trying to have a battle of wits with you. I didn’t realize you were unarmed.”

Ouch!

I was giving a friend info about a game night, when he said he would have to “punt this” to his wife. “I was born to ruin family plans,” he explained.

I responded with, Read the rest of this entry

Somebody call the contractor!

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I decided to rearrange some furniture the other day, and did so without my husband, hoping to surprise him. Things went well until I realized I would indeed have to give him a heads up. This was our instant message exchange:

me: I may or may not have taken a door off its hinges and then gotten a desk stuck in a doorway. I’ll let you decide when you get home.

him: ?? seriously? better not be the front door. Read the rest of this entry