My husband could attest to just how obnoxious I can be when I’m full of my own cleverness. I tell you, no one can laugh at my jokes the way I can. I had a real doozy last night that I woouuuuuld share, but it would probably offend some people.
Instead, let me relay to you the opening lines of a thank you card I just constructed in response to something that happened the last weekend of July. Read the rest of this entry
(as if I need more reasons)
I wanted him to get the kids ready for bed because I was wrapping presents for our daughter’s birthday the next day. I said to him, “Could you please get the kids ready for bed? I’m taking care of some business…involving Tupac.”
He automatically knew what I was talking about. (Tupac = Read the rest of this entry
A friend overheard one guy saying to another, “Sorry, man, I was just trying to have a battle of wits with you. I didn’t realize you were unarmed.”
I was giving a friend info about a game night, when he said he would have to “punt this” to his wife. “I was born to ruin family plans,” he explained.
I responded with, Read the rest of this entry
I decided to rearrange some furniture the other day, and did so without my husband, hoping to surprise him. Things went well until I realized I would indeed have to give him a heads up. This was our instant message exchange:
me: I may or may not have taken a door off its hinges and then gotten a desk stuck in a doorway. I’ll let you decide when you get home.
him: ?? seriously? better not be the front door. Read the rest of this entry
Phrases you never imagined you’d ever say…and then you became a parent:
“No, do not put Jesus in your Read the rest of this entry
My friend writes on facebook: “I feel like I’ve made a parenting breakthrough. The fastest way to get people to stop fighting is to give them a common enemy, and there’s no better enemy for a bickering two- and four-year-old than a mother with a Read the rest of this entry
There was a bee on the window screen. Naturally, I wanted it to stay on the screen and to not fly around the house. Seeing it, my children would no doubt freak out and start climbing up the chimney to get away. So I did what any sensible woman would do in this situation: I quickly shut the window and went about my business. I figured I could just “wait the bee out.”
That only lasted a few seconds, actually. I took two steps and then looked back at it pitifully buzzing, silently now, and banging itself first against the screen, then the glass, and back again, over and over. “Poor thing!” I thought, though still unrepentant.
Then I remembered that bees have been in short supply in recent years. [Silent buzz. Bang. Bash. Buzz.] I stood there watching it.
Then I remembered how bees enable flowers to reproduce and fruit to grow. [More quiet, impotent buzzing. More frustrated banging.] Read the rest of this entry