Category Archives: Uncategorized

The laundry gods are smiling upon me

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Perhaps they’re just pleased that I’m finally washing all those clothes.

Here’s my laundry method. There’s a reason I’m spelling it out for you. Wait for iiiiiiiittttt!

1. Procrastinate until laundry basket is full to overflowing.

2. Pick up scattered articles of clothing that have fallen off the laundry heap and shove them back in the basket.

3. Heft the load to the washing machine.

4. Open washing machine…speed up steps here because you, presumably already know how to do laundry, and if not, you probably shouldn’t really be learning from me.

5. After I pour in the detergent, I set aside some large article of clothing, or, as in today’s example, a baby blanket, and put the detergent cup upside down on said article to drain out more of the good stuff while I fill the washer.

6. Fill the washer.

7. Lift up-turned detergent cup so as to toss in last item.

8. If you’re lucky, you will find that the laundry gods are smiling upon you: Read the rest of this entry

Dad is Fat

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This is the title of a book I’m reading by comedian Jim Gaffigan. It’s pretty funny. I recommend it for all you parents out there. Lots to relate to. For me it’s him talking about how pale he and his children are. I totally get that. He even graced his book with a picture of himself in his swim shirt. I get that too.

My four-year-old has a full-body swimsuit. It’s actually called a rash guard–what surfers wear to avoid getting a rash from contact with their board. Why they make these in size 4 I’ll never understand. I can’t exactly picture my little girl hanging 10. But it was in the hand-me-down bag from another family, and since I’m cheap, I kept it. Plus, since two-thirds of my children are redheads, all the skin coverage they can get is for the better. In case you’ve never noticed, red hair=white skin. Look up pictures of your favorite red-headed actress and you’ll see what I mean.

The other third of my children may actually have been switched at birth. I seriously suspect this because she is capable of tanning. However, for myself (my mom is a redhead and I got her skin pigmentation but not the tell-tale excuse of the gorgeous red hair. Thanks for only passing on the lame genes, Mom!) and those two redheads of mine, the sun is our enemy. Sadly, I live in San Diego county, only a few miles from the coast; therefore, beach=fun fun happy fun time for children, and arch-nemesis for me. At least I’ve got my youngest  mostly covered.

Of course wearing a rash guard anywhere other than the lower half of the West Coast or Hawaii just looks weird. This past summer we were in Ohio at a lake. I suddenly, for the first time, felt very self-conscious about my daughter’s wardrobe. “What a cute swimsuit,” someone said. “Is she Amish?” Read the rest of this entry

I was never very good at math

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As the expression goes, when it rains it pours, which is ironic considering we’re in a severe drought and heat wave here in So Cal.

Anyhow, it’s like our house is falling apart. Last week there was an electrician and an AC guy here. Yesterday I had a linoleum guy come a-calling. Today was a banner day–a plumber and two more AC guys.

I commented to my husband that I had gentlemen callers in and out of here all day like I’m running a brothel. Then I pointed out that in a day or two the linoleum guy and the plumber would be back for a second round.

I tried to put on my best “seductive” pose, (I use that term very loosely–ah, pun!) but it backfired. Read the rest of this entry

I am my biggest fan

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My husband could attest to just how obnoxious I can be when I’m full of my own cleverness. I tell you, no one can laugh at my jokes the way I can. I had a real doozy last night that I woouuuuuld share, but it would probably offend some people.

Instead, let me relay to you the opening lines of a thank you card I just constructed in response to something that happened the last weekend of July. Read the rest of this entry

Another reason I love my husband

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(as if I need more reasons)

I wanted him to get the kids ready for bed because I was wrapping presents for our daughter’s birthday the next day. I said to him, “Could you please get the kids ready for bed? I’m taking care of some business…involving Tupac.”

“Gotcha.”

He automatically knew what I was talking about. (Tupac = Read the rest of this entry

So rude, and yet, so wonderful

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A friend overheard one guy saying to another, “Sorry, man, I was just trying to have a battle of wits with you. I didn’t realize you were unarmed.”

Ouch!

I was giving a friend info about a game night, when he said he would have to “punt this” to his wife. “I was born to ruin family plans,” he explained.

I responded with, Read the rest of this entry

Somebody call the contractor!

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I decided to rearrange some furniture the other day, and did so without my husband, hoping to surprise him. Things went well until I realized I would indeed have to give him a heads up. This was our instant message exchange:

me: I may or may not have taken a door off its hinges and then gotten a desk stuck in a doorway. I’ll let you decide when you get home.

him: ?? seriously? better not be the front door. Read the rest of this entry